My friend Demetri, a travel blogger, asked me to give him (and you) a step by step guide to getting happy pizza in Cambodia. If you don’t know what happy pizza is, maybe you should read this post this post about Happy pizza. If you are too lazy to read that then let me summarize. Happy pizza is a pizza where weed, marijuana, Mary Jane, pot, cannabis or whatever you want to call it is a major ingredient. Its like magic/pot brownies, but a pizza, and it is very popular in Cambodia.
Well Demetri, my traveling friend, here is your guide, use it well and safe travels and enjoy your pizza.
Start by going to the river side, the main tourist avenue in the capital city of Phnom Penh. Just a bit down the street you can find three pizza restaurants all with “Happy” in their name. They sit side by side, the one on the right is “happy elephant pizza” on the left is “Happy Phnom Penh Pizza”. Don’t be surprised that these places sell marijuana, after all, there are hundreds if not thousands of restaurants and bars that sell weed in Cambodia. It’s my favorite. Go in, find a comfortable chair (they are all hard and uncomfortable but you didn’t come here for the seating) and order a pizza. I prefer just cheese pizzas, it goes best with the marijuana. If you don’t want a pizza, don’t worry, they can cook anything with weed: soup, rice, pancakes, anything just tell them what you want and tell them you want it “happy”. Maybe give a wink too.
When the waiter comes over, tell him you want a “Happy” cheese pizza. He’ll understand, but to make sure he gets the point lets add something else. You can say this in English or Cambodian.
In English : Make my pizza so happy that if an elephant eats it, he will be high!
In Cambodian : Tva pizza sabai, bar domrai knam pizza, domrai tingtong!
Confused? Ok just watch this youtube video of and follow my lead.
He will either cock his head to the side and study you and your strangeness intently, or laugh at your cleverness.
The pizza will be powerful. ¼ of a large is enough to spend 10 hours laughing. ½ of a large is enough to spend 12 hours contemplating the universe. A whole large…there are no words to describe that.
Because the pizza hits strong and lasts long I think it’s best to go around lunch, that way you have the whole day to enjoy. Your bill is about 7 or 8 dollars for the pizza. If you ordered any extra toppings you pay more, but the marijuana was free of charge. Yes that’s right, there is so much cannabis in Cambodia that to add it as a topping on your pizza will cost you nothing extra.
It will take 30 minutes before the “Happy” takes effect, and about 2 hours before your mind enters a new universe. Use this warm up time to rest, chat with friends and wait until you start saying things like “Wow everything is really pretty, and so colorful” or when you start laughing uncontrollably and you can’t remember why.
Ok, now leave the restaurant, turn left and head to the intersection down the road. Hopefully you are not too high to cross this road. Just left of the intersection is an amazing Buddhist temple. When you are high, especially as high as you are after a happy pizza, every sense is better. Colors explode like supernovas: bright, beautiful, brilliant, threatening to collapse your whole world, sounds message your ears, smells dance in your nose, and smiles remind you how great people really are.
Eventually you will find yourself wondering the market outside of the temple, it’s a nice place, but people are staring at you. They are saying “Look at the foreigner, I wonder why he smiles so much, he must be “happy’”. Buy some snacks while you’re there, tender jack fruits as sweet as honey, and crunchy green mangoes that will curdle your tongue. Eat them all and enjoy.
You are stoned, go to some place where everyone will accept you. Lake side. Lake side is the drug dystopia of Phnom Penh, it has great places to relax and was once an amazing place. Now it’s an almost out of business slum, but still a great place. There, just as in its glory days, everyone is always high. Now let’s get a motorbike or a tuktuk there. Pay a tuktuk 1 to 2 dollars or a morebike half of that.
Welcome to lake side, if you want to know more about it ask the locals, I’m not that kind of tour guide. Ok first lets head to lost and found, relax on the pillows, play connect four, and grab a red bull. Red bulls in South East Asia are sweeter, cheaper and maybe tastier then those in the rest of the world. The locals drink them like soft drinks, you will want one too because all that marijuana you had is already making you sleepy. If for some odd reason you want to get higher, you can order joints off the menu.
As the hours melt and smiles rise you hunger will greet you. You have the munchies. THC (the psychoactive ingredient in marijuana) reacts with the receptors in your brain which activate hunger and spikes your blood sugar levels. So…let’s grab a bite to eat. Just head out the door. Wait, you forgot your shoes. Remember you took them off a while ago. Damn you are high. Ok now go out and take a left to the main avenue and a right down the road till you get to the North South Indian restaurant. It’s an amazing place, tell Honey and his family Eric said hello and then eat all you can on just a few dollars!
Ok it’s getting late, you are still high but sleepy as hell, either head to the sand plateau, head home, or head to street 51 for a good night’s worth of clubbing.